Grief and funeral culture vary amongst different communities in the world, as people and communities deal with grief in different ways. In some parts of Ghana, mourners prepare lavish meals and pallbearers dance. In China, people gift money to the grieving family. And on the Day of the Dead in Mexico, mourners build altars to commemorate their dead loved ones. In some parts of the world, the deceased may be more important dead than alive, with families often saving up for burial services and customs over medical expenses.
In Islam, mourning lasts for three days. And for a widow, there is an extended waiting period of four months and ten days. This is evident in various Hadith, for example, Sayyidah Zainab bint Abi Salama (RA) went to Sayyidah Um Habeeba (RA), who said:
‘I heard the Prophet (peace be upon him) saying: “It is not legal for a woman who believes in Allah Almighty and the Last Day to mourn for any dead person for more than three days except for her husband, (for whom she should mourn) for four months and ten days.” Later I went to Zainab bint Jahsh when her brother died; she asked for some scent, and after using it she said: “I am not in need of scent but I heard Allah Almighty’s Apostle saying: ‘It is not legal for a woman who believes in Allah Almighty and the Last Day to mourn for more than three days for any dead person except her husband, (for whom she should mourn) for four months and ten days.’ “
(Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 371)
The way in which one mourns should always be respectful towards the Majesty of Allah Almighty. Crying hysterically and tearing one’s clothes is prohibited. Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) states:
“He is not one of us, he who slaps his cheeks, tears open his clothes, and wails in the manner of the days of ignorance.”
(Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 52)
Furthermore, Holy Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) states:
“Allah Almighty does not punish for shedding tears, nor for the grief of the heart but he punishes or bestows His Mercy because of this.” He pointed to his tongue and added: “The deceased is punished for the wailing of his relatives over him.”
(Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 1304)
We can see that under the stress of grief and sadness of the heart, it is natural for tears to flow from our eyes. This is something beyond human control and results from human compassion. Displaying erratic emotions however is prohibited, clearly frowned upon, and could cause difficulty for the deceased. We should refrain from resisting or questioning the judgment of Allah Almighty and only utter positive words about the deceased, which may be pleasing to Allah Almighty.
The most beneficial way to deal with the loss of a loved one is through showing patience and acceptance of the will of Allah Almighty and making recitation of the noble Quran during our times of duress. The recitation of Surah Yaseen, in particular, was advised by holy Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him). One can also read Tasbeeh, litany of the names of Allah Almighty on prayer beads, Durood Shareef, blessed words of praise upon holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) and supplicate to Allah Almighty throughout the entire grieving process. One can ask Allah Almighty to send the rewards of this worship to the deceased and ask for forgiveness for their sins.
It is quite common for relatives and visitors to approach the family of the deceased throughout both the burial and grieving period. It is just as important in these situations to be mindful of our conduct and behaviour and to exercise some of the following:
Avoid following traditional and non-Islamic customs such as hosting wakes and vigils, wearing the colour black as symbolism of grief, and the use of traditional terms such as RIP (rest in peace). A more suitable alternative would be to supplicate “May Allah Almighty grant the deceased the highest rank in Jannah”.
Maintain modesty in dressing and interaction, for example, avoid free mixing with guests who are non-Mahram, non-marriageable members of the opposite gender.
Provide reassuring words and supplications during interaction with grieving relatives and visitors.
Keep the focus of gatherings on the remembrance of Allah Almighty.